The Baking Frenzy I've Embarked Upon
The title of this time in my life could be "Losing your mind entirely to thoughts of silly named desserts featuring seasonal berries and other delicious things." Slumps, buckles, boy bait, bettys; they all have been getting their due time in my kitchen. It's fun too because it's been a change from the really oversweet indulgent desserts. Like nice, light, and not to sweet cakes and confections. It works the best to fight this heat.
Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials
God, these books are good. It is so refreshing to see children's novels that pose serious questions and interact with mature themes in a way that isn't dumbed down at all. They have been described as an inversion of Paradise Lost, where the devil is the hero, and the Fall is something to be embraced as fundamental to human nature. They're really interesting is what I'm saying! Also the way he mixes childlike fantasy (armored polar bears and witches and all that stuff) with serious discussions of dark matter and killing God.
The Two Aussie Flight Attendants I Went Out With Last Night
God, you two are such goons! Love it. They are friends of friends of friends, but we still went together well. It was their first time in the city, and we went to the Ritz, and the guy met this random person and comes up to me and says "How far away is Queens? I'mma have a biff with this guy and meet up with you tomorrow." And then the girl and I went to Empanada Mama's and talked about life and being a flight attendant and silly things. And then I got back to Brooklyn at 6:00.
Bon Iver
It's so poignant and simple. It never really gets old. Plus, when you play it on your record player so you can't really leave the room, and it's hot enough that all you want to do is sit in front of a fan on your floor and it's nice. Plus when your apartment smells like some sort of silly strawberry patch from the cake your baking you feel like all your sense are stimulated in the best way.
Magnets With Words On Them For Your Fridge
They are so whimsical! And retro! You get to make random sentences that might or might not mean anything and then forget about them and then reread them later and normally they are very silly! Also my subletters have the New Zealand set, so it has "Vegemite" and such as part of it. Also the vocabulary is normally limited, so you can't really just write things, you have to learn to say what the magnets want you to say. Like the Illuminati.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
7. Things That Make Me Happy, Part 1
My whole blog is turning into a collection of things I like! I'm so down with this.
Born This Way
I like this song. I like the message. I like the dance in the music video, after that weird spoken introduction. I recognize that it sounds exactly like Express Yourself (except a little better (OHIWENTTHERE)). I recognize that using the terms "Lebanese" and "Orient" is kind of gross. I recognize that "Don't be a drag..." is kind of dumb. But! I also recognize that it is a great song to run to, and as my mother says, if some closeted kid in Alabama listens to it ten times a day rather than killing himself, I'm okay with that.
Homemade Oreos
Yes, I realize this is s-ing my own d. Tooting my own horn. Liking my own status. Highfiving myself. But in response, OM NOM NOM. With milk.
The Quotes from Margaux I Found Packing
"You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting." and "She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short."
Margaux finds the best quotes.
Joey Comeau
In a similar vein as the quotes, Joey Comeau is this Canadian writer. He writes these incredibly macabre web comics called A Softer World, and I just love his style. It's the perfect mix of whimsy without that hipster pretension or affectedness. I honestly believe him when he describes himself like this: "Joey is a firm believer in the idea that if you can't be a good example, you have an obligation to be a horrible warning. He writes the comic. He has a degree in linguistics which really only comes in handy when smart-asses try to correct his grammar at parties. He really, really likes candy. Like, sour candies mostly. Fuzzy peaches. Sour grapes. But man, yeah. Candy."
My Large Novelty High Heel Leopard Print Shoe Chair
What a find! From the streets of Clinton Hill, I lugged this chair first to my friends apartment, then to my other friends apartment two miles away, then through the subway to Morningside Heights. It never fails to start a conversation, spices up my room, and is incredibly comfortable to boot. Also, there is something about receiving a beej on a stiletto chair that just screams "STORY FOR GRANDKIDS"
The Fact That I'm Living Alone For Like A Week
It's so fun! Basically all this translates to is that I can run around my floor naked (which I proved by going from the very end of one suite to the very end of the one on the other side in nothing but flip flops). And have a drink in my room without feeling hyper paranoid. I can also be loud, although I haven't taken advantage of this yet. Disadvantages: I peed on the seat once and I knew I had to clean it up because I couldn't blame it on my male suitemates.
The Promise of Summer 2011
This summer is going to be a good one I feel. Not just because I feel like I can be wild without being (as) irresponsible, but also because it's going to take place for a large part in Brooklyn. Is Summer 2011 the summer of feeling? Time will only tell. Maybe I'll get a bike! Maybe I'll get ripped (ha)! Maybe I'll start having sex again! I love this three months of promise that just hangs in front of me.
Born This Way
I like this song. I like the message. I like the dance in the music video, after that weird spoken introduction. I recognize that it sounds exactly like Express Yourself (except a little better (OHIWENTTHERE)). I recognize that using the terms "Lebanese" and "Orient" is kind of gross. I recognize that "Don't be a drag..." is kind of dumb. But! I also recognize that it is a great song to run to, and as my mother says, if some closeted kid in Alabama listens to it ten times a day rather than killing himself, I'm okay with that.
Homemade Oreos
Yes, I realize this is s-ing my own d. Tooting my own horn. Liking my own status. Highfiving myself. But in response, OM NOM NOM. With milk.
The Quotes from Margaux I Found Packing
"You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting." and "She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short."
Margaux finds the best quotes.
Joey Comeau
In a similar vein as the quotes, Joey Comeau is this Canadian writer. He writes these incredibly macabre web comics called A Softer World, and I just love his style. It's the perfect mix of whimsy without that hipster pretension or affectedness. I honestly believe him when he describes himself like this: "Joey is a firm believer in the idea that if you can't be a good example, you have an obligation to be a horrible warning. He writes the comic. He has a degree in linguistics which really only comes in handy when smart-asses try to correct his grammar at parties. He really, really likes candy. Like, sour candies mostly. Fuzzy peaches. Sour grapes. But man, yeah. Candy."
My Large Novelty High Heel Leopard Print Shoe Chair
What a find! From the streets of Clinton Hill, I lugged this chair first to my friends apartment, then to my other friends apartment two miles away, then through the subway to Morningside Heights. It never fails to start a conversation, spices up my room, and is incredibly comfortable to boot. Also, there is something about receiving a beej on a stiletto chair that just screams "STORY FOR GRANDKIDS"
The Fact That I'm Living Alone For Like A Week
It's so fun! Basically all this translates to is that I can run around my floor naked (which I proved by going from the very end of one suite to the very end of the one on the other side in nothing but flip flops). And have a drink in my room without feeling hyper paranoid. I can also be loud, although I haven't taken advantage of this yet. Disadvantages: I peed on the seat once and I knew I had to clean it up because I couldn't blame it on my male suitemates.
The Promise of Summer 2011
This summer is going to be a good one I feel. Not just because I feel like I can be wild without being (as) irresponsible, but also because it's going to take place for a large part in Brooklyn. Is Summer 2011 the summer of feeling? Time will only tell. Maybe I'll get a bike! Maybe I'll get ripped (ha)! Maybe I'll start having sex again! I love this three months of promise that just hangs in front of me.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
6. Some Reasons Not to Kill Yourself Today, Part 1
Part of this is informed as my experience as a closeted kid in the 'burbs, part of this is informed by being a depressed kid in New York over my head, part of this is informed by Google searches. Here are some things that I think are better than killing yourself.
Really Catchy Pop Songs
Don't you dare lie and say you don't enjoy it when Lady Gaga/Madonna/Adele/diva of choice is singing her heart out. Music is this little escape from whatever is bothering you into what is bothering someone else, usually accompanied by some sort of declaration of their superiority/indifference/will to persevere. The number of times I sit in my room and listen to Cher's "Believe" multiple times before I go and start my day is not low. And that is fine. Because we were born this way. Gaga.
Those Empowering Things You Say Over and Over
Somethings that work for me are "Haters gon' hate" "Whatever. You only live once." "I don't give A SHIT" "We are who we are. (Ke$ha.)" It's just this great way you can snappily remind yourself that a lot of the time things aren't going to work out, or people are going to judge you, or that whatever is getting you down will not win. If you have to say "Haters gon' hate" to yourself three dozen times a day, then there's nothing wrong with that and welcome to the club. It's better to have a stock response, because then you don't spend time thinking about whatever is getting you down.
Sunsets
When I'm at school and not feeling it, I go to Riverside Park and watch the sunset over New Jersey, which turns from kind of bland thing across the Hudson to pretty collection of twinkly lights. I love sunsets because there's just this random explosion at the end of the day of these bright bright colors or alternatively muted purples and pinks and yellows. It's just a break from blue in the day or the dark navy of night. Plus, sunsets are always the best on days when it's a little smoggy or cloudy, which to make an overwrought metaphor, means that when you're feeling the most steely and grey, the sunset is the most vivid and fun. I like to think that sunsets are great because you also don't have to do anything but watch them, and that's a lot less time thinking about your problems. Like, my brain chemistry might be fucked up but THAT IS A FUCKING DOPE SHADE OF PINK.
Your Friends
I know, I know, raging cliche. But when I'm having a dark day, you just go talk to someone and they can be having a bad day and then you are together in it, or they can be really happy which normally rubs off on you. They could say something funny, or something interesting, and it makes you feel less lonely for a second. The other thing about friends is most people deep down are there for you. When you need a hug, any friend worth their weight in piss will hug you. And that's nice to know, as someone who needs hugs a lot. Plus, sometimes just seeing someone smile when they see that it's you is all your self-esteem needs. And they never have to know if you don't want to tell them, but if you do then they normally feel happier. Happiness is not zero-sum, and that's part of why it's so great.
Change
It gets better. In a rare example of the Internet really being an unequivocal force for good in the world, this campaign just reinforces that things change. For me, when I was closeted, I hated myself and thought I would never find happiness or true love and was destined to die without a family. When I came out, and I realized what other people think doesn't have to be what I think, I was better. Yeah, I had to deal with a whole new set of issues, but after that I moved to New York and the homophobia by and large dissipated, or at least concealed itself better. I still get pretty melancholic here, but at least now it's about different things. I'm sure I'll stop being sad about what troubles me now someday sooner or later, and find something new to be sad about. The takeaway is the world is too dynamic and too interesting for you to stay the same way. Whatever is troubling you at any time will go away, maybe forever, maybe for a little bit. And that's nice. Things change, so if you were dealt a shitty hand, sooner or later you'll get a new deal.
Takeaway: if you feel like suicide, reconsider. More people than you think are feeling the same way, and there are some pretty good reasons to decide against it. Call a hotline. It feel so awkward at first, but at least it's a couple hours you didn't spend looking at a razor. Just remember to make the decision every day not to kill yourself. Whatever gets you through the easy days and the hard days, that's fine. If anyone says otherwise, remember Hater gon' hate.
Really Catchy Pop Songs
Don't you dare lie and say you don't enjoy it when Lady Gaga/Madonna/Adele/diva of choice is singing her heart out. Music is this little escape from whatever is bothering you into what is bothering someone else, usually accompanied by some sort of declaration of their superiority/indifference/will to persevere. The number of times I sit in my room and listen to Cher's "Believe" multiple times before I go and start my day is not low. And that is fine. Because we were born this way. Gaga.
Those Empowering Things You Say Over and Over
Somethings that work for me are "Haters gon' hate" "Whatever. You only live once." "I don't give A SHIT" "We are who we are. (Ke$ha.)" It's just this great way you can snappily remind yourself that a lot of the time things aren't going to work out, or people are going to judge you, or that whatever is getting you down will not win. If you have to say "Haters gon' hate" to yourself three dozen times a day, then there's nothing wrong with that and welcome to the club. It's better to have a stock response, because then you don't spend time thinking about whatever is getting you down.
Sunsets
When I'm at school and not feeling it, I go to Riverside Park and watch the sunset over New Jersey, which turns from kind of bland thing across the Hudson to pretty collection of twinkly lights. I love sunsets because there's just this random explosion at the end of the day of these bright bright colors or alternatively muted purples and pinks and yellows. It's just a break from blue in the day or the dark navy of night. Plus, sunsets are always the best on days when it's a little smoggy or cloudy, which to make an overwrought metaphor, means that when you're feeling the most steely and grey, the sunset is the most vivid and fun. I like to think that sunsets are great because you also don't have to do anything but watch them, and that's a lot less time thinking about your problems. Like, my brain chemistry might be fucked up but THAT IS A FUCKING DOPE SHADE OF PINK.
Your Friends
I know, I know, raging cliche. But when I'm having a dark day, you just go talk to someone and they can be having a bad day and then you are together in it, or they can be really happy which normally rubs off on you. They could say something funny, or something interesting, and it makes you feel less lonely for a second. The other thing about friends is most people deep down are there for you. When you need a hug, any friend worth their weight in piss will hug you. And that's nice to know, as someone who needs hugs a lot. Plus, sometimes just seeing someone smile when they see that it's you is all your self-esteem needs. And they never have to know if you don't want to tell them, but if you do then they normally feel happier. Happiness is not zero-sum, and that's part of why it's so great.
Change
It gets better. In a rare example of the Internet really being an unequivocal force for good in the world, this campaign just reinforces that things change. For me, when I was closeted, I hated myself and thought I would never find happiness or true love and was destined to die without a family. When I came out, and I realized what other people think doesn't have to be what I think, I was better. Yeah, I had to deal with a whole new set of issues, but after that I moved to New York and the homophobia by and large dissipated, or at least concealed itself better. I still get pretty melancholic here, but at least now it's about different things. I'm sure I'll stop being sad about what troubles me now someday sooner or later, and find something new to be sad about. The takeaway is the world is too dynamic and too interesting for you to stay the same way. Whatever is troubling you at any time will go away, maybe forever, maybe for a little bit. And that's nice. Things change, so if you were dealt a shitty hand, sooner or later you'll get a new deal.
Takeaway: if you feel like suicide, reconsider. More people than you think are feeling the same way, and there are some pretty good reasons to decide against it. Call a hotline. It feel so awkward at first, but at least it's a couple hours you didn't spend looking at a razor. Just remember to make the decision every day not to kill yourself. Whatever gets you through the easy days and the hard days, that's fine. If anyone says otherwise, remember Hater gon' hate.
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