Sunday, June 5, 2011

9. Uses For A Creme Brulee Torch

Some good friends got me a creme brulee torch for my birthday, and I have come up with many uses for it. Here are some of them.

Making Creme Brulee

This is fairly obvious, but I have been making creme brulee like it is my job. And seeing as I don't have one of those, I could consider my job. There are worse things. Anyway, there is nothing like piling on sugar and then TORCHING IT until it turns caramelly and golden and wonderful. Then you have to wait a hot second for it to cool, which is an amazing minute or so, but then. Deliciousness. Also, when you hit the stop with a spoon and it makes that crack there is no better sound in the world. No better sound. I made creme brulee last night (you need to let it sit in a fridge to firm up before you TORCH IT) in four ramekins and I have one left. Needless to say, creme brulee is firmly embedded in my baking repertoire already. Next time I am trying fun flavors because I can't think of a thing I would like as much as six little creme brulees fanned out in front of me: vanilla, chocolate, pistachio, strawberry, maple, and raspberry. And I get to crack all of their tops with a spoon.

Smoking Salvia

So when you smoke weed the THC is rendered into its active form between 351 and 380 degrees Fahrenheit (177 to 191 Celsius). A normal butane lighter accomplishes this very well, and whee weed. But when you smoke Salvia, the active compounds are released at 464 Fahrenheit and above (240 Celsius). This heat is very hard to attain from a normal cigarette lighter, so while you can make due, the best way to smoke salvia is with something with a little more heft. Enter my creme brulee torch. You can control the flame perfectly well, and you get the best salvia smoking experience. And by that I mean, the light from the ceiling will bounce down and then splinter into a million pieces and then you'll get sucked to the center of the earth.

Literally Playing With Fire

Since I got this torch I have spent so much time just turning it on and giggling and watching all the crazy things you can do with the flame. Side note: you can make a seven inch flame! This is so fun. And the clouds of gas are kind of scary, as is the enormous and incredibly blue and hot flame, but it's so fun. I learned from my parents' burn piles on their ranch that I am a bit of a pyro, and this torch is enabling that in a big way.

Defending Against Intruders

If anyone ever tried to break into my apartment, I would not reach for a pan or a knife, and I wouldn't break a beer bottle. I wouldn't even run and hide like a normal person, or even better call the cops. I would instead calmly grab my creme brulee torch, and LIGHT THE MOTHERFUCKER ON FIRE. Yes, I realize that they might have a gun. Yes, I realize that this is incredibly dangerous. Yes, I realize that I would probably light my building on fire, destroying my things and therefore undoing the point of this. BUT. I would also most likely be featured in some sort of local news story about how someone lit an intruder on fire. I would be imitating Lisbeth Salander, which is not a bad thing in this case. I would bring badassery back to the pastry chef title. And I would have the best story for what you did last summer.

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